Black Swan --- Multiple Personalities

Nina was raised in a single mother's family. She was all the way perfect and innocent, under her mom's extreme attention. However, she had the complete absence of wildness and passion, which were essential characteristics of the black swan that she needed to perform. To experience it, she touched herself at home and had casual sex with guys in bars, and she felt amazingly pleasant with it. Her passionate little person inside started to show up, along with tremendous pressure and anxiousness. Because in her 28 years' life she had never faced this little person and didn't know how to deal with it at all. It finally drove her to the edge of madness.

The movie only explored one small piece of multiple personalities --- innocence and wildness. In the real world, it has richer content. Nature has gifted human beings with complicated emotional systems that enable them to react differently under various circumstances, mainly for the purpose of surviving. One can always sense multiple "little persons" co-existing in one's body, with different personalities dominating under different occasions. Those personalities have crossed the boundary of women and men. Women considered to be fragile, sweet and soft, are capable of being tough, dangerous and destructive. Men considered to be strong, brave and responsible, may sometimes be lonely, sweet and childish. Madonna wrote in her "Sex" book: "I have a dick in my brain, I don't need to have one between my legs." She later explained in one of the interviews: "If dick stands for skill and being aggressive or brave, it resides in my brain anyway, so I don't need its physical existence". Thinking deeper, there might be no clear boundary distinguishing men and women at all. Disregarding the physical structures, everybody is a mix of multiple personalities from both genders. The only difference is how much portion each gender or personality is involved. Talent, dark skin for a man, pretty face, silky skin for a woman are all the same beauty in nature, just in different forms. All are attractive and to some extent indistinguishable.

In Madonna's early life, during a late night, she was returning from a rehearsal, when she was dragged up an alleyway by a pair of men and forced to perform fellatio at knifepoint. Madonna had later commented that "the episode was a taste of my weakness, it showed me that I still could not save myself in spite of all the strong-girl show. I could never forget it." I felt deeply sad. Maybe it is the only occasion where a physical penis would make a difference.

Black Swan --- Fear

Another issue raised by the movie Black Swan was fear. Although Nina was selected as the new star to perform innovative Swan Lake, she always had the fear that her friend Lily, who embraced passion and lust in nature, would take her place to perform the black swan. This had loaded Nina with tremendous stress that put her constantly in horrible illusions. In the first public show, she was too stressful to perform white swan thus made a mistake on stage. This aggravated her fear. Back to her dressing room, she had the illusion of Lily fighting to take her black swan's role. She fight back and finally stabbed Lily into blood. However, in reality the person she stabbed was not Lily, but herself. It's an iconic scenario pointing out the real enemy was not Lily, but herself.

We all have fear, fear of high living cost, bad grades, no jobs, husband/wife cheating. Essentially it is the fear of losing, losing money, losing a job, losing dignity, losing a family... 4 years ago, when I decided to study abroad, I planned to do it quietly, in the same way as everybody else did. The reason to keep it low was because of unexplainable fear that everybody had. One day I went to the enrollment office quietly for my undergraduate transcript, and got surprisingly rejected. Even more surprising, the next day everybody knew it and talked about it. I was suddenly in a light spot, in a very bad way. They set me as a bad sample, and would like to kill me to warn others. Amazingly, instead of feeling a total breakdown, my fear was gone. What I feared had already become reality! But the earth was still moving. I was breathing normally, as healthy as I was. Not a hair of me had changed. It turned out not the end of the world as I assumed. At that moment, I realized fear didn't come from others, but oneself. For sure other people would think about me, gossip about me. But deeper in heart, they didn't care a hair of me, thus wouldn't affect a hair of my life. Those who really cared about me, my parents, close friends, wouldn't change a bit. Fear is a bubble, bloated by oneself. The only way to be stronger is stabbing it.

Black Swan --- Perfection

I watched 'Black Swan' with my friend this week. The movie is a drama about a ballet dancer Nina who was pursuing the perfection of her performance. She was an innocent and disciplined person in nature, but pushed herself to the edge of insanity and madness for the purpose of performing the 'Queen' in an innovative 'Swan Lake' ballet show, and finally drove herself in blood. It features a fluent storyline with intense visual and audio effects, making the whole movie compact and thoughtful. The story raises several important issues for deeper thinking: Perfection, fear, multi-personality and obsession. I would like to comment on those topics sequentially in my blogs.

In the movie, Nina wanted to be perfect in the new Swan Lake ballet show, for which she was required to perform both white swan and black swan. She embraced the grace and precision of the white swan but lacked the wildness and lust of the black swan. Disappointed by her own performance, she ran to the former ballet Queen Beth to seek for advices. Beth was paralyzed in hospital because she tried to kill herself when forced down from the ballet Queen to nothing. Before she was forced down, she certainly had a glorious history full of flowers and praises. "Why were you so perfect?" Nina asked. "I was not perfect! I am nothing!" Beth came up with this extremely frank answer. Indeed, the company had tens of professional ballet dancers, with equally good performance. But the "Queen" position was unique. Beth had obviously slept with the director to make herself out of the crowed. If not, she would probably perform little roles who could only admire the flowers and praises for the Queen. However, when the director got innovative show ideas and wanted to promote a new star, she was swiped out immediately. Her perfection was a bubble, glamorous outside, but nothing inside.

Then I thought about 'perfect' people in life, those who were assumed to be perfect --- celebrities, political leaders, institution heads etc... Those people seem to be on top of everything, controlling and enjoying the world's resources. But how many of them are truly perfect? How many of them are actually nothing? Does perfection exist in reality? Or it's only an imagination? Think of Madonna and Gaga, they are great, but they are not perfect. They have more talent in music than ordinary people. But life is much more than that. Would they be better in cooking? They were both straight A students in school, but they will probably do worse in math than I do.:) They have a life and exactly same feelings as ordinary people. Besides happiness, they have sadness. Besides toughness, they have weakness. In one of the interviews, Madonna admitted her mother's early death had caused permanent 'emptiness' in her heart, affecting every decision she made in her life. She always felt lonely and helpless. When she was really desperate, there was no mother to call. She was all by herself. We are all human beings. We are all not perfect. We are living in this imperfect world, dealing with imperfect life. Perfection is only an imagination. By knowing this, it is probably easier to enjoy the life you have. Nobody's life is perfect anyway, there is no reason to dislike yours.

More Dishes

Food is always good! :D

Erotica & Madonna's Book

Madonna released music video "Erotica" in 1992, along with her book named "SEX". Both the video and the book share her fantasies about sex. It is quite impressive how she talked openly about homosexual, bisexual, fellatio, sadomasochism, threesome and analingus, the topics that lie in everyone's fantasies, but barely mentioned in public. I like Erotica and the book. Madonna has the adorable personality that her gut is UNLIMITED, so does her creativity. She attempted anything in her art without fear. She is living to the fullest.

With dizzy lights, flashing black-white photographs, and sexy voice of 'Dita', Erotica felt like a dream, a fantasy that dragged your soul out of the hull. You wish to live in the dream, be part of the dream. You want the dream keep going, never stop. The video and the photographs are artistic, creative and sexy. It is very challenging to achieve since only one inch distance separates art and dirt. I was amazed how Madonna showed her body in a way that you would never feel her cheap or dirty. (One bad example is Christina Aguilera's "Not Myself Tonight"). I think the success was due to her devotion, the most attractive component of all her fantasies. She never faked her feelings. She just let it go naturally, with no exaggeration or pretension. Such devotion is attractive, and the best way of seduction. She was beautiful, sexy, and fabulous!

In the book, Dita stated that love and sex can be separated, but the best of both worlds is created when they come together. I agree with it. She liked the movie "In the Realm of the Senses" because the sex was real. The first time I watched this movie was in college, when I was a sophomore and all my roommates were junior. It was a Saturday afternoon, my roommates and I agreed that there was nothing more attractive than watching this banned movie, so we watched it. Can you imagine four girls sit in front of the computer sticking their eyes on two naked bodies "exercising" on bed? Two girls left the room after 10 minutes. It tasted too strong for them. I felt the movie a bit sick at that time. It was a funny part of college life though.:)

Dita thought her pussy as her whole life, the source of her inspirations, pleasure, strength, wisdom --- "It smells like a baby to me fresh and full of life. I love my pussy, it is the complete summation of my life. It's the place where all the most painful things have happened. But it has given me indescribable pleasure. My pussy is the temple of learning." Incredible thoughts... She mentioned women did care about the shape and looking of men, unless they need a bread provider. One exception was men with extraordinary intelligence. She would like them without caring too much about the looking. I totally agree with her. We shared the same taste of men.

The controversial sexuality presented to the mainstream by Madonna during the Erotica period was not well received. At the time of Erotica's release, she was widely condemned in the media for having pushed the limits of sexuality too far and was no longer considered acceptably suggestive, but vulgar and raunchy. I feel sad about those criticism. The comments were superficial and misleading. She opened her heart to talk about fantasies and experiences in an artistic way, which deserved respect and appreciation. It had sexual content, but it exactly hit on the real life that everyone needs to deal with. I think it was one of the milestones for Madonna in her career. Although it was not a totally wise idea to expose the internal world to strangers, she had nothing to regret about. She was growing, and full of life and wisdom.

Madonna is Amazing!

I accidentally found Madonna's "Vogue" on Youtube today. While watching it, my heart was melting, together with every piece of my body. What an amazing video! It embraces stylish costumes, free style dancing, incredible hands performance, and features the perfect contrast of black and white, light and shadow, motion and still, rigidity and softness. What a great piece of art work!

With full curiosity of this woman, I read her biography. She is such a strong person! I felt in love with her immediately. Gaga shares a lot in common with her. But to be comparable with her performance, Gaga still has a long way to go. I have the faith in Gaga though. I will comment on those great women later. Watching this video again and again, I had a career plan formed in mind. Thank you, Madonna. You are awesome.

New Dishes

Tried two new dishes recently.
1) It's the first time that I cook with flour and baking powder. The dish didn't look very nice, but definitely tasted good! I will improve next time. :)
2) This one is fast to cook. It should have golden color if stove power is well controlled. We got a broken bulb, so the light of the picture looks weird.

Happiness

What is happiness? In the film "The Pursuit of Happiness", Chris Gardner talked to his 4 years old son with very simple words explaining what is happiness: "You want it? Go and get it!" It is exactly the pursuit of happiness. You have a dream in heart, then you manage it by strategies. So happiness composes two parts: a dream and strategies. It sounds simple but very complicated in reality.

To have a dream, you need a free heart, a heart that is clear about what you really want. It should be something that YOU really want, not that anyone else wants you to do, or the outer pressure pushes you to do. It's somehow very difficult to figure out in the real world though, with all the living pressures --- grades, university name, job, money, house... Instead of pursuit of happiness, many people switch to the pursuit of money, houses, better university name, better job titles. The truth is, all of those, if without a free heart, won't make a person really happy. Many people are stressed with work, tired with one goal after another, pushed by bosses and family duties. They are not happy because they don't understand a free heart is the source of happiness. Life for them is in the form of pieces of goals, that has to be achieved one after another, and never ends. Their heart is imprisoned by those pieces, and never free. They don't know what they really want. They don't have a dream. People always complain about their lives, as if they are the most unlucky ones in the world. The truth is, happiness lies not in what you live with, but what you live for.

Knowing what you really want, realizing the dream is a matter of strategies, that don't necessarily involve the heart. Compared to a free heart, the strategies are something easier to handle. Just follow logical steps, keep working on it and that's it. Only when rooted in the dream, those strategies are meaningful and enjoyable. Stress becomes wonderful stress, intermediate goals become glorious steps towards the palace of the dream. What a wonderful life.

Life is short. There is no time to waste on the detour. To have a happy life, one should focus on what he/she really wants, and keep working on it with a free heart and brilliant strategies.

San Antonio --- The Alamo & River Walk

Accompanied by the first sun rise of the new year, we visited the Alamo and River Walk in San Antonio. The Alamo was home to both Revolutionaries and Royalists during Mexico's ten-year struggle for independence. Construction began on the present site in 1724. The military — Spanish, Rebel, and then Mexican — continued to occupy the Alamo until the Texas Revolution.

The site is less than 300 years old but is called "historical interest". Suddenly, I realized a 5000 years' history had long been neglected by my narrow mind. What a fortune! I hated history classes since I was very young. What a shame to neglect such a fortune... An interesting finding in Alamo was a stone tablet from a Japanese historian. It recorded a historical event in the Alamo. All the words were written in classical Chinese. :)
River Walk is a much more romantic place compared to the Alamo. There are restaurants, shopping centers, bars along the bank. Historically, it didn't look like this in the beginning. City planners struggled over what to do with the river while large debates rang among the people. One man, an architect named Robert H. H. Hugman proposed a plan that would turn the area into a beautiful urban park with apartments, dinning, shopping, boat rides and walk ways lit with old-fashioned street lamps. He wanted it to be just as if one were walking in Venice, Italy. After convincing city officials and business leaders of the financial benefits of his plan, the dream became a reality and River Walk pours nearly $800 million a year into the local economy. What a clever...

The tour guide showed us an amazing view where a tree was growing through the rocks on the wall. It was tall, strong and still growing. Life can be so tough!

San Antonio --- Sea World

We drove to San Antonio on Dec. 31 to welcome the new year. Sea World is a kids' place but I LOVE it! It felt like I was back to the childhood, and the sea animals were tooooo cute!

There were several wonderful shows that day --- "AZUL", "Miracles", "Clyde & Seamore's Countdown to Christmas", "Polar Express" etc. I love "Miracles" best. The show featured the "black and white" dolphins (killer whale). They were very beautiful, smart and friendly. It is the panda in the sea! I can't help to watch the show for twice.

It was a cozy new year's eve in San Antonio. The TV showed new year's live on Time Square, NYC. I counted in the hotel room with the crowed on TV: 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 - 0. A new year started, brand new and fresh! Thinking my monthly paycheck would be deposited to the bank account at the same time, I felt asleep immediately...

New Dish - Tofu

I tried a new dish a couple of days ago. Soft silk tofu with mixed toppings. Tastes good :D